Insecure

It's been so long since I actually posted something related to writing.  The question is why?  Well, maybe it's because that I'd given up on myself.  The people I asked to read my novel never got back to me with the exception of close family & friends.  There is nothing worse to an aspiring author than to wonder why that is. Were they just exceptionally busy?  Did they lose the file & were to embarrassed to admit it?  Or is the simple truth that it just wasn't good & they didn't want to hurt my feelings?  The truth is, I don't know the answer and that is what bothers me.  Am I good enough?  I wish I had the confidence to say "Yes, God Dammit, I am!", but let's face it, we all have our insecurities.  Mine just outnumber most normal peoples'.  My appearance isn't good enough--hell, I've never been a beauty queen, but I've been working hard to feel better about myself.  Lost 20+ pounds and feel healthier than I have in a while.  I never thought I'd say that it's easier to feel better about yourself physically than mentally.  But physical is something I can change--I can control.  I can keep exercising and keep eating better--I am in control of those things.  But my mind...I can't shut off those insecurities.  There is no off switch.  There is no easy fix here.  The only way to overcome these voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough is to disprove them.  And there in lies the main problem.  I have to get my book published.  If it does well, I can quiet the voices and say, "Ha, I did it--I am good enough."  And if it doesn't...well, that will stop them too.  I said I'd get it published last year and that didn't happen.  But I literally lost all of my work due to a computer blowup.  So, I am basically starting from scratch here.  I still have the story, of course.  But retyping it will give me room to grow and make some necessary changes.  I just have to force myself to do this everyday.  I have to force myself not to give up.  When I started trying to lose weight, I put a quotation up by the computer, on the refrigerator, and right by my bed.  It says: "I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday".  I think I just found a new way to apply this.

Playlist:

1. Losing My Mind: Daughtry
2. I Will Wait: Mumford & Sons
3. Gravity: John Mayer
4. I Knew You Were Trouble: Taylor Swift
5. Little Talks: Of Monsters & Men
6: Anxiety: Papa Roach/Black Eyed Peas