Insecure

It's been so long since I actually posted something related to writing.  The question is why?  Well, maybe it's because that I'd given up on myself.  The people I asked to read my novel never got back to me with the exception of close family & friends.  There is nothing worse to an aspiring author than to wonder why that is. Were they just exceptionally busy?  Did they lose the file & were to embarrassed to admit it?  Or is the simple truth that it just wasn't good & they didn't want to hurt my feelings?  The truth is, I don't know the answer and that is what bothers me.  Am I good enough?  I wish I had the confidence to say "Yes, God Dammit, I am!", but let's face it, we all have our insecurities.  Mine just outnumber most normal peoples'.  My appearance isn't good enough--hell, I've never been a beauty queen, but I've been working hard to feel better about myself.  Lost 20+ pounds and feel healthier than I have in a while.  I never thought I'd say that it's easier to feel better about yourself physically than mentally.  But physical is something I can change--I can control.  I can keep exercising and keep eating better--I am in control of those things.  But my mind...I can't shut off those insecurities.  There is no off switch.  There is no easy fix here.  The only way to overcome these voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough is to disprove them.  And there in lies the main problem.  I have to get my book published.  If it does well, I can quiet the voices and say, "Ha, I did it--I am good enough."  And if it doesn't...well, that will stop them too.  I said I'd get it published last year and that didn't happen.  But I literally lost all of my work due to a computer blowup.  So, I am basically starting from scratch here.  I still have the story, of course.  But retyping it will give me room to grow and make some necessary changes.  I just have to force myself to do this everyday.  I have to force myself not to give up.  When I started trying to lose weight, I put a quotation up by the computer, on the refrigerator, and right by my bed.  It says: "I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday".  I think I just found a new way to apply this.

Playlist:

1. Losing My Mind: Daughtry
2. I Will Wait: Mumford & Sons
3. Gravity: John Mayer
4. I Knew You Were Trouble: Taylor Swift
5. Little Talks: Of Monsters & Men
6: Anxiety: Papa Roach/Black Eyed Peas

imPress Press on Manicure

Out of all the products I received from Influenster to test out in my Mom VoxBox, I was most excited to try my imPress Press on Manicure from Broadway nails (www.impressmanicure.com).  I don't know any woman who doesn't feel pretty and better when she has a great looking manicure!  With two kids, it's just an expense that I haven't been able to justify for years.  But now, after trying out the imPress Press on Manicure, I realize that great looking nails are finally within my price range!  For only $5.99 (for colors) (or $7.99 for designs), I can afford to have great looking nails without paying an arm and a leg for them!  I also love how fast they were to apply!  I was literally done within minutes and showing off my new nails.  They lasted about a week and came off with no ill effects on my real nails (another big plus in my book).  I love, love, love this product and will definitely be buying them again and again!

Quaker Soft Baked Oatmeal Cookies

I recently received a sample of Quaker Soft Baked Oatmeal Cookie from Influenster as part of my Mom VoxBox to try out.  I was anxious to see how my two "little cookie monsters" would respond to an Oatmeal Raisin cookie.  They are not the biggest fans of raisins.  So, I presented them each with a half and just told them I'd gotten a new cookie to try.  I think they stopped listening at the word cookie.  They gobbled their halves up without even stopping to ask what kind it was or really anything at all.  When I asked for a verdict, they both said it was "soooooo goood".  The cookie was very soft (which was great for my son who is only 2-1/2) and had a homemade appearance and texture.  Upon further investigation, I found out that a box of 6 only retails for $2.69 which is a great value for a nice occasional treat for my "cookie monsters".  They have already become a pantry staple in my house!

The Many Uses of Ivory

I received a sample of Ivory soap from Influenster in my Mom VoxBox to test out.  Now, I'm no stranger to Ivory soap.  I know how gentle it is (I used it on my newborn kids many, many times).  But I'm finding all kinds of fun, new uses for Ivory!  I had no idea you could use your microwave and Ivory to make a fun science experiment.  Or that you could use it as a makeup brush cleaner (why had I never thought of this?!).  I now have a new arsenal of ways to use an old favorite.  I love how it cleaned my brushes without making them get "cakey" or stiff like other cleaners tend to do.  I also love the value of Ivory.  No other soap on the market provides the amount of product that Ivory does for so little.  Ivory may have been around for a long time, but thanks to Influenster (and Ivory of course), I've now found many NEW uses for it around my home for years to come!

The things dreams are made of...

2:30 am is a time that most mothers are familiar with--whether it's when your child is a newborn & waking up for a feeding or when they are teenagers and waiting up to make sure they get home safely.  For me, it was a time to get my son who'd woken up only to find he'd leaked clean through his diaper...after I'd already picked him up.  So, after 10 minutes, he was dry and clean, I was dry and clean & we'd finally settled in to go back to sleep.  He was restless which in turn made me restless.  When all of a sudden--WHAM!  An idea hit me head on :)  A dream is literally what inspired Blue Twilight so I know to listen to these ideas--whenever they come.  I was awake for a couple more hours replaying and building on the idea I had to make sure I didn't forget come morning.  And I remember--whoo hoo!  Now off to jot down this latest project...

Playlist for 10/11:

The Best is Yet to Come: Michael Buble
Change Your Mind: Gloriana
Don't You Wanna Stay: Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson
Wake Up Call: Maroon 5
Fire: Jimi Hendrix
Like I Love You: Justin Timberlake
Down & Out: Tantric

Memories...

It's amazing when I first started writing "Save Me" how easy I thought this story would be to tell.  Holy hell, was I ever wrong!  I literally had writers' block for three weeks--how does that happen when I should already know this story?!  But at any rate, I yelled, i cussed, and I worked through it.  I am back on track and am about a third of the way done with the initial draft.  I love telling my husband about some of the story & having him say "But that never happened!"  Ah, the beauty of fiction based on reality ;)  It's funny to become immersed in the past and remember what was and what you thought would happen.  It's been a fun, sometimes painful process.  But that's life and that's what I am hoping will shine through in the story. 

Playlist for 5/26:

Mine: Taylor Swift
Sick Cycle Carousel: Lifehouse
Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not: Thompson Square
Don't You Wanna Stay: Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson
My Love: Sia (This is such a beautiful song)
Don't Drink the Water: Dave Matthews Band (My favorite DMB song of all time!)

Creative Juices...

Well, the hampster has resumed its spinning in my wheel :)  The creative juices are flowing once again & I've got a good start to my next venture, tentatively called "Save Me".  It was slow to get started, I think because I HATE leaving my other book unattended/incomplete, but I've done what I can do with it, so I'm moving on to other projects for the time being.  This book is going to be easier and harder to write at the same time.  Easier because now I know I can finish what I've started.  Easier because I feel like I've found my "voice" so to speak.  But harder because this story is going to be a little closer to me.  But I think that is what will make it that much better.  I'm interested to see how it goes and how I can grow as a writer.  After this, I think I'll try returning to my roots so to speak :)  I think a kids book or two...or series...maybe in the works.  But, alas, I can only do one thing at a time and there are only so many hours in a day.  And I think the kids may notice if I never leave the computer ;)  Well, at least I think they would...

Playlist for 4/8:

There Goes the Boy: Cyndi Thompson
Home: Daughtry
Sick of Life: Godsmack
I Can Transform Ya: Chris Brown
Decode: Paramore
Good Times Bad Times: Led Zeppelin